Wednesday, February 07, 2007

I'm a loser, yes I am

St. Jude's Children's Hospital does fantastic things. I know this. They save lives, they conduct cutting edge research. I know they need money to keep doing the research and the saving of lives and I support them.

However...I hate radiothons for St. Jude's. I hate the sad stories of children with cancer matched up with equally sad music in the background. I cry when I hear the pain and overwhelming sadness in their voices. I cry for the moms and the dads and the kids. I think about what I would do if one of my kids had cancer, God forbid, and I get sad and depressed and scared to death. Then, I spend the day sad and depressed and scared of losing one of my kids.

So, maybe I'm living in a happy little bubble with my perfectly healthy, happy, wonderful children and I don't have to think about the kids and families who aren't so fortunate. But those radiothons, they make me think about it, then I feel guilty for not thinking about it until I'm swiping at tears for people I don't even know. With my job I can't really live in much of a bubble, as much as I'd like to, and I've seen and heard things I don't ever care to share with anyone. I'm supposed to be callous and hardened to this kind of stuff, but dammit, those St. Jude's stories make me cry. They shouldn't be able to, but they do and that little voice inside me, the unrealistic one, bubbles to the surface and taunts me "You know, you could be doing more. You should be in Africa building schools and libraries or in Somalia helping feed long lines of hungry kids. You should join the Peace Corps or build houses with Habitat for Humanity. But no, you live in your happy little bubble, oblivious to the world's woes. You're such a loser."

Yeah, that voice. I hate that voice, but I can't deny there is some truth to that voice. I could be doing more, I could be volunteering more and donating more and just DOING more to make my little corner of the world a better place.

But I'm not. I'm so caught up in my own life, my own family and job and home and friends that I just don't have the time or the energy to do all I should be doing to be a better humanitarian.

What a lousy excuse. Thanks a lot, St. Jude's, for making me realize what a pathetic loser I really am. Oh, and here's my donation for this year. I know you'll use it for wonderful things.

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