Monday, February 12, 2007

A mom thou ain't

Some of you know, some of you don't...Wild is my stepdaughter. I've been "mom" for nearly 10 years now, and have been in that role since she turned 5. During that time she has seen her biological mother a grand total of 3 times. Hubby and I have not discouraged, prevented or hassled the Egg Donor about visiting, calling or keeping in contact with Wild. She simply chooses not to be a mom. Some people just don't have that maternal instinct I suppose, maybe something in their "mommy wiring" is broken and they don't know how to be a mother.

Wild harbors quite a bit of anger, resentment and whole lot of self-doubt because of the Egg Donor's inability to follow through and behave like a mother. She is convinced that she is somehow unloveable because this woman has taken zero interest in her life. This weekend the Egg Donor called, she was in a town about 15 minutes away from us and wanted to know if she could come by to visit Wild. Apparently, the Egg Donor is a truck driver and is now on a run that takes her from Texas to Chicago quite frequently, which means she will be passing us on every trip. Egg Donor tells Wild "Let me look at my map to see exactly where you are so I can get there and I'll call you back."

This is met by Wild with much excitement, fear and a huge dose of trepidation. She wants to see her biological mother, she wants some kind of affirmation that she is loved by the one person in the entire world who is supposed to love her, protect her and cherish her more than anyone else. I understand that need, I do. I will, however, admit the thought of the Egg Donor just deciding to show up and traipse back into Wild's life like she has always been there pisses me off. She has no right to just show back up and pretend everything is just fine then waltz away again and leave a member of our family in pain.

Because it's not. The woman has no idea the agony Wild has gone through with every holiday and birthday that passes and she hears not a word. She gets depressed after the Egg Donor calls and makes empty promises that she never follows through with. "I promise I'll call this weekend. I promise I won't forget your birthday this year. I promise I'll write you...I promise...I promise...I promise."

She never follows through, she always breaks her "promises" and we get to deal with the fallout. The depression, the self-loathing, the crying, the cutting, the black cloud, the psychologist appointments.

Four hours after the Egg Donor called from a town 15 minutes away she called back. Already on the road and heading back to Texas, not having the guts to call and just say "I'm sorry, I don't have time this time. Maybe next time. I'm sorry to disappoint you yet again." She just called and told Wild she was already on the road, four hours away, and wasn't going to come by.

What a bitch. I hurt for Wild and there isn't a damn thing I can do but assure her the Egg Donor's inability to be a mom reflect in no way on Wild's loveability. Not. One. Bit.


Anonymous said...

Would it be possible for you or your husband to field the calls, make the arrangements and only tell your daughter when the thing actually happens (i.e. the mom is THERE, or the package arrives, or whatever the particular promise is)? This woman is going to keep your daughter's life on a roller coaster her entire life - she obviously is acting out some sick need of her own, not out of love for the child, who by the way, is very lucky to have you (and will realize it more and more over time). Good luck.

Sandy. said...

Empty promises. My daughter knows that story well. And like you, I know how much more it affects. Not just her, but the whole family. And we can't fix it.