Friday, August 03, 2007

Drool and goosebumps

What's the best way in the whole wide world to start your day? Coffee? Maybe. Getting to sleep in? Well, a close second. Sex? I plead the fifth.

The absolutely best way to start your day with a smile is to go to the dentist! With your six-year-old in tow! WOO HOO! Now we're talking about all kinds of memorable fun.

The dentist's office we go to has a very, very nice lobby. Little water fountain. Nicely decorated. Fake electric fireplace. Comfy leather seats. Up-to-date magazines that are actually decent publications instead of something stupid that NO ONE reads. The works.

Except they have completely overlooked one thing that no doctor's office should be without: A kiddie corner with toys and kid books. Or at least, a TV. Because Unruly is bored easily, and when she's bored, she entertains herself, which is rarely a good thing and can involve playing in the pretty little water fountain (read: drooling into it so she can see her spit come up over the waterfall again and again). Or turning the fake fireplace on and off and on and off and on and off......*sigh* All while I'm completely engrossed in the latest edition of Bon Appetit. Do you feel the effective parenting going on yet? I thought so.

"Unruly. Stop it. Now." she ignores me, as usual and continues drooling into the fountain. Which is actually quite funny, but I try not to laugh because it wouldn't be mature. No sense encouraging her. (I know, I know. It's gross. But it was still funny. And probably something I'd do if no one was watching.)

"Unruly. I'm going to beat you with your own arm if you don't stop it." More ignoring. WOW! I'm feeling especially effective this morning!

She is now papering the pretty leather seats with magazines. Because every seat needs its own issue, you know.

"I'm going to let them pull ALL of your teeth out if you don't stop it!" The ignoring continues. If I didn't know better, I'd think she has a hearing problem.

Finally, I'm ready to head back into the Dreaded Room of Dental Doom. Did I mention I HATE dentists? I do. Hate. I grip the armrest so hard I leave dents in the steel as the tech turns my mouth into what feels like hamburger. It is quite a disturbing experience for me.

Unruly sits in a chair. I obviously can't leave her to her own devices in the lobby. We already know how that goes! She sits beautifully. For about 2 minutes. Max. If that.

I feel something crawling up the leg of my pants. I can't say anything, my mouth is full of sharp instruments and a tech's hand. The something has reached my knee and is proceeding up my thigh. It tickles. I want to laugh, and I'm horrified. But, again, mouth full of stuff. I hear a giggle and the little thing on my leg wiggles. It's Unruly's hand! Up my pants! While I'm in the dentist's chair. Oh. My. God. I HAVEN'T SHAVED MY LEGS IN A WEEK!!! THE TECH IS GOING TO SEE MY HAIRY LEGS!

"Gag blech gurgle gurgle blah gag sputter sputter!"

Another giggle from Unruly.

"Gag snort. Stop! Gurgle." I feel the little hand retreat from my pants.

She plops back down in the chair. And starts pulling those little plastic bib thingies from a box near her seat. She places a few neatly on the chair and lays down on them so she can cover her little body with even more. She's a little spit-napkin hangar!

I glare at her as best I can from my horizontal position beneath the too-bright light. She sees me glare and grins back. The little imp.

"What. Are. You. Doing?" I hiss loudly at her while the tech is fetching my x-rays.

"I'm cold. I have goosebumps. See?" She holds up an arm. Indeed. She does have goosebumps. It is cold. "I was covering up with the big napkins. They are warm."

"Put them back. Now." I didn't think she'd listen. I really didn't. She usually doesn't.

To the next victim who winds up in that particular dentist's chair, I'm sorry.

Because that little yellow napkin thingie around your neck? I think it was on my kid's butt. So sorry.

I'm pretty sure the dentist's staff was more than happy to see us leave this morning. Probably happier than I was to leave.


Wendy said...

OK, you've just convinced me that Kid and I will be having separate appointments this month! Thanks for clearing that up for me! :)

MP said...

OMG..that is hysterical. I can just picture the hand crawling up your pant leg...EWWWW I just did it to myself. Guess I haven't worn shorts all week..opps!

Absolutely Bananas said...

Sorry, but I'm totally cracking up over your plight. THIS is why I never bring CJ to the dentist with me, even though every time my dentist tells me I should. Yeah right, Mr Guy, you may know a lot about teeth but you clearly know nothing about MY 4 YEAR OLD!!

Jeff said...

That's hilarious. I know it's never funny at the time it's happening though!

Anonymous said...

She IS her mother's daughter!

Rebecca said...

I will be thinking of Unruly all during my dentist appt next week!

amy said...

I keep thinking that you gave her the idea to drool in the water. She was probably drooling on the magazine you were reading and you told her to go drool somewhere else. And knowing the little angel, she decided to listen to you this time. You know she only listens when it's something that you don't really mean and she wants to aggravate you.

I love that kid.

Dorky Dad said...

This reminds me that I have to make a dental appointment. Thanks!

Gosh, I'm dreading that. The hygienist is the WORST, because they always give you a guilt trip for not flossing.

Diesel said...

Funny story. :)

Jenn said...'re welcome! There is nothing worse than being rendered mute by when your kid is behaving badly.

MP...I went home and shaved that evening. Guess I'm good for about another week, eh? hehe!

Jenny...I consider it my lesson learned. Never again. I thought at 6, she'd be old enough to sit nicely. Guess I thought WRONG!

Jeff...yeah, it was pretty embarassing (and a bit horrifying!) as it happened, but afterwards, I couldn't help but laugh! KIDS!

Rebecca...I hope you don't use our dentist! I wouldn't want you to get the spit napkin that touched her butt.

Amy....Her bags are packed. Ya want her?

DD...My hygienist is the worst about that. And she knows I don't floss nearly often enough so she gives me an extra thorough flossing every time. I think she's a sadist. kids are endless sources of humor (and embarassment!) in my life. Glad I can share their comedy with you guys.