Monday, August 06, 2007

Real women sweat like horses

"Yeah, but it's a dry heat, man!" Who can tell me what movie that line is from? Anyone anyone? I'll give you a hint....the dry heat is on another planet.

Oh, what I wouldn't give for a dry heat, man. I grew up in Kansas, a place where dry heat is king. Humidity? What's humidity? The constant wind blew all the moisture away, including your sweat. So, you were hot, but never wet. But here, in the great Mississippi River Valley? Humidity is a given. On days when the air is especially hot (like today, in the triple digits) and the air quality particularly low, the atmosphere looks slightly greenish and quite brackish. Like the Big Muddy stood up and splashed about in the atmosphere for awhile and left a few of its wet remnants behind to float around up there and make my life miserable.

In other words. It's. Just. Nasty. I don't care how many times I take a cool shower in a day, I never feel quite clean. As soon as I step outside the perspiration starts and doesn't stop. I turn into moisture magnets and the clothes are merely there to soak up the sweat. My clothes are sopping wet by the end of the day and manage to hold in more heat, which, in turn makes me cranky. Hubs doesn't think its very funny when I thrust my sweat-drenched undergarments at him and say "Here! Feel these! I was SO HOT!" I find it quite amusing though, in my own sick little way.

I just want to wander around naked in the hopes I will cool off, but I don't think it would work. After all, you can only get so naked before being naked just doesn't matter any more. You're still. hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. Take your-breath-away-and-leave-you-in-a-quivering-puddle-of-sweaty-exhaustion hot.

St. Louis in the summer sucks. This is the only time of the year I truly hate living where I live.

My poor horses can't get out of the heat. They stand in the woods and the damned bugs eat them alive and they just sweat and sweat and sweat. I hose them off in the evening, but that doesn't last very long before they are sweating again. I feel so bad for them standing out there in the breeze-less heat, enduring the biting flies (no fly spray ever seems to work for very long), and just sweating buckets.

I'm done with summer. It can go away now. Shoo! Go away. Send autumn in. I'm ready for crisp nights and seeing my breath hanging frosted on the morning breeze.

19 comments:

Jeff said...

Being a dork, I'm required to have a knowledge of sci fi. Your movie is Aliens and its one of my faves.

I'm also a sweaty dork so I feel your pain.

Jeff said...

And the underwear thing is hilarious! LOL

Jenn said...

Ding! Ding! Ding! Jeff has the correct answer! Somehow though, I'm not surprised he knew the movie I quoted was "Aliens." It is also one of my favorites. (Uh oh, I just admitted to being a dork, in a roundabout way.)

I think the underwear thing is pretty funny too, but Hubby, not so much.

Wendy said...

Ewww, sweaty panties! Nice.

I remember those hot/humid days from my time in Dallas. Ick.

Is there a heat wave right now? My friend who moved back to Iowa from here just wrote about the heat at livinginsmallsizes.com. I don't envy you guys.

I like me some clouds and coolness.

Lisa said...

Sounds like you and your horses need a change in scenery. Or climate. Yeah, I'm ready for this nasty heat to end as well...

Absolutely Bananas said...

Can you believe I've never seen Alien? You need to come to Seattle to cool off (and hang out with ME!)

Absolutely Bananas said...

btw, I enjoyed the fact that your word verification was "fzymuck"

Beth said...

I somewhat agree with wanting fall to be here. Fall means high school football season and that is something I LOVE! But then again, being a teacher, it also means getting up early in the mornings again......NOT something I love.

Dorky Dad said...

I said that about South Carolina. Everybody told me how cold it was in Minnesota before I moved, but I'm like "but nobody leaves home here in the summer, anyway ... it's just like there, only in reverse."

I'd rather be cool than too hot. You can only get so naked.

Anonymous said...

Summers here in Arizona aren't much better. We're so used to "DRY" that when the humidity hits 10%, we're dyin'!!!

-Owl-

Marriage-101 said...

Working in an office all day, I don't really get out in the elements too much, but I have noticed how excrutiatingly hot it's been around here. And like you said, it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so humid.

And I don't care who you are, sweaty underwear is funny. Around my house, it's called having "swamp ass."

Jenn said...

Wendy...yup, massive heat wave with excessive heat warnings all week long. Like 101-degrees REAL temp and 109+ with the humidity/heat index. Fun, eh?

Wendy and Jenny...I heard on the news you guys are expecting 60-degree weather out your way. I'm coming for a visit. For the rest of August.

Beth...Oh, I'm so ready for fall, and school, to be here. The kids, like you, are dreading the early mornings though. I imagine your classroom is full of "morning zombies" for the first couple of weeks of the school year!

Dorky Dad...EXACTLY!

Owl...HI! Good to see you here! If we had 10% humidity I'd be SO thankful! I think the humidity is up to about 60% today.

Marriage-101.."Swamp ass," I LOVE it! I'm stealing it. Hehe!

MP said...

AMEN..and today I have the car w/ NO AC..so I have to drive from Maryland Heights to the City w/ NO AC..You bet your bippy I'll have water w/ me in the jeep and I'll have to wring out my undies when I get home. YUCK!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad everyone finds the humor of a nice sweaty pair of undies. I guess if I wasn't the recipient I would too!

You'll get yours Jenny, and your little dog too!

The Hubby

Ninja Of The Mundane said...

I try to keep my sweaty panties to myself.

Here's a question for everyone: Do you live in a climate to which you're physiologically suited? I live in the Pacific Northwest in part because I can't live any place else — I can't handle extremes of heat, cold and humidity. I've tried and I just wilt, get sick, can't sleep, get sicker. I need moderate weather.

If you feel like you're fighting the climate in which you live every day ... well ... how did you end up there? Is trying something else an option?

Heather said...

It's when you start sweating under your boobs and in your buttcrack that it is officially "hot" here in Alabama.

Jenn said...

Ninja...I usually love living here. The winters are fairly mild, the spring and fall fabulous. But every few years we get a week or so of absolutely UNBEARABLE hot weather and I just melt. I, like you, cannot stand to be hot. I get cranky. I get mean. I sweat like mad and it drives me crazy.

Heather...Oh, we've reached that point, and then some! The backs of my knees have joined in the sweat party.

Ninja Of The Mundane said...

Well, aren't breasts technically sweat glands?

Anonymous said...

Ummm... I think you have blocked out what summer is really like here in the Sunflower State. 85% Humidity just the other day! I always thought you were a little nutty, now I know it!!!
Your favorite "older sister" Amy